Dear, may I tell you something before all the things ahead?
People may have experienced a day which full of grey skies, crystallized hard rain, loneliness, and even isolation. Unfortunately, they just companioned by a cup of lukewarm tea of coffee. Or, in the opposites, they are surrounded by so many people around, but still, feel alone. Thus, getting married are not only for these reasons. Married isn’t only about seeking a friend for exploring the choppy waves of life ahead, or fulfilling your need of affiliation.
People have tendencies in a need of love and belongingness. These are the common fundamental things in life. But, there’s something that we have to know, that problems will not be resolved through the expression of love and tenderness only. Getting married is not only for this reason. Married isn’t only about seeking love and tenderness. Married isn’t like magic or a wand which can cure all of our troubles in a flash.
As a human being, every people have problems, they have bad experiences about something. But, getting married is not about escaping ourselves from trouble or something traumatic. Married isn’t only about solving our problem and seeking for protection. Can you imagine how our life would be if we are decided to be a person who just leaning our lives through others rather than have meaningful lives of our own? Thus, married isn’t only about breaking black clouds.
For you as a man, psychologically you will have more desire for power than women. You may feel and think that you must be a strong person so you can control and protect your wife. But, married is not only about showing power and seeking control to others. On the other side, married isn’t only about showing or giving your power of affiliation for your wife. Your wife may be your best comfortable place ever. She can give you caress or a warm hug whenever you want. She can whisper you her magical word which makes your spirit burned. She’s able to give you a cup of testable coffee which she makes by love. But, she is more than just it!
For me as a woman, psychologically I will have more desire to be listened, cared, and loved by others than man. I may think and feel that life is about togetherness with others, especially with a spouse who can save me from the silent hours when I stand alone. But, I deeply realized that marriage is not only about sharing a journey, showing stories, and being listened so that all the problem would be solved. A husband may be able to be the best listener ever and give his concern to everything I, as a wife, says. A husband may heal, but I think I shouldn’t place him just as a healer man who can give me a quite hug whenever I need. Husband is more than just it.
Another thing, people actually have a desire or a need for sexual fulfilment. Consciously or not, every people living in this world are seeking pleasurable things. But, married is not only about fulfilling our need for it. Married is not only about making sense something nonsense or making halal something haram.
So, what’s the motive behind the intention of getting married?
It’s a liar if we don’t seek those things above through marriage. We want to seek a friend, fulfilling the need of affiliation, seeking love and tenderness, solving problems and seeking protection, showing power for protecting, sharing the journey, showing your stories, being listened, and fulfilling needs about sexual desire. But, I have to say that these things are just poor intention (very poor, Subhanallah) that may destroy the journey before reaching its end in the hereafter.
Something important that we have to know is that we are a slave of Allah. Obedient and faithful to Him should be the very first reason why we do many things in our lives, including marriage. On the other word, we should put devotion at the very first reason for marriage. After that, we have to be clear about these questions,
How can we help our Deen with our marriage? How can we get the highest station in Jannah through our marriage? How can we serve ummah with our marriage? How can we, as a husband and wife, build each other up to be the best of the best slave for Him after this marriage, moreover after the end of the honeymoon phase?
Put all the emotion and human kinda things behind and we have to remember that, as mentioned in hadith of Bukhari and Muslim, deeds are depended on its intention. And, as Umar ibn Al-Khattab said, when one’s intention is sincere, Allah will suffice his needs, protect him, and guide him in his dealings with the people. InsyaAllah.
Do not be afraid. We should be happy because Allah is teaching us something big and important through all the things happening these days. Keep in faith and ask Him for the ultimate guidance.
“My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me and that what misses me was never meant for me.” Umar ibn Al-Khattab
Annisa Nurul Ummah 